fly away

Originally published on To S and From S.

Dear Shari,

I hope you are feeling better by now. It’s no fun being sick — but hey, at least it’s winter, right?

I’m enjoying these letters so much, but I’ll admit I got a little stuck writing this letter. Because we lost Grandpa two nights ago.

There’s so much I want to tell you. Not only about these last days but about a man’s entire lifetime. 94 1/2 years of lifetime. 94 years, can you imagine? He once was a boy with a twin sister and six older siblings. He married his high school sweetheart, joined the Air Force, became a colonel, served in two wars. He navigated planes by the stars. The husband. The father of four. The grandfather, the great grandfather, the great great grandfather. He was a good man. Always teared up when he talked about his family. Loved birding and passed that joy down to my mom and me. And never did you see such a fine head of white hair than on Grandpa. In these last months, I took every opportunity to run my hands through it. He never seemed to mind and trust me, he told you when he did mind.

Version 2

My emotions are swirling and complex, especially after the past years, months, days when I felt closer than ever to Grandpa — while questioning how that could be since the dementia surely got in the way. But today I’m reconciling that web of perplexing questions to honor what I know in my heart. It doesn’t matter if all those hours and moments we spent together never became new memories for him. We got to walk, talk, sit, and be in the present together. It doesn’t matter if those times weren’t always easy or happy. What matters is I got to show up. I got to be by his side, even on bad days. I got lots of little stories I can hold dear (and so did my boys). I got to love and try my best. I got to kiss his head and tell him I loved him every single time. I got to say goodbye one last time. And I got to feel all of it.

IMG_6353 copy

We celebrated my birthday at the birdplace in 2008. I was so excited to take Grandpa there (here with baby Leo).

 

owling

been on a golden hour owling binge, what can i say? been out there three nights in a row. the first night we saw the owl, i had my camera settings all messed up and i was too busy screaming and happy cursing to get any good photos. but at least my friends M and T and Clyde were there with me to witness the magic.

trying to learn to BE in my body whilst seeing an owl. and it seems to be getting better. here are some of the best shots from the past few nights. i might go again tonight. there is simply no such thing as too much barn owl in my life.

IMG_4495

IMG_4376

IMG_4562

IMG_4605 - Version 3

IMG_4628

IMG_4576

elevate the everyday

It’s here! So excited to finally share this beautiful book project from Tracey Clark with you!

In her new book Elevate the Everyday: A Photographic Guide to Picturing Motherhood, Tracey manages to combine her years of photography expertise with amazing and practical tips for capturing the journey of motherhood. The book is not only gorgeous, helpful, and insanely inspiring, but it’s also full of several must-read stories of motherhood — her own and those of many of the mom writers and bloggers you know and love. I am beyond honored to have my own story included in the book.

Take a look!

Elevate the Everyday: A Photographic Guide to Picturing Motherhood by Tracey Clark
Elevate the Everyday: A Photographic Guide to Picturing Motherhood by Tracey Clark
Elevate the Everyday: A Photographic Guide to Picturing Motherhood by Tracey Clark
Elevate the Everyday: A Photographic Guide to Picturing Motherhood by Tracey Clark

Beautiful, right?

And yippeee! Here’s my story “Migration”:

Elevate the Everyday Migration Essay by Sheri Reed

Read an excerpt:

Migration

By Sheri Reed

While staring out the front window into a bleak February morning, birds entered my life.

My five-year-old suddenly set down his toys and wholeheartedly gasped “Beautiful!” and I looked up to see a window full of birds. Dozens of robins dropped down like fiery orange comets into the stripped winter trees next door. My boys—my oldest newly five and my youngest a few months past his first birthday—and we ran, window to window, hands and noses pressed to glass to take in the magic. On this day, the migration of many things was made loud and clear. Birds … yes, birds, I thought, grabbing my camera, so unexpectedly inspired. I began to look up for the everyday beauty of their passing show.

A few years after my first son was born, I ran into an old friend, deeply immersed in the early weeks of new motherhood. Mostly she shared the profound goodness: smallness, amazement, and beauty, all which cause a mother’s heart to come undone. In fact, it wasn’t until we were saying goodbye that, heart and eyes overflowing, she stopped me and told me that parenthood was so much harder than she ever imagined.

She looked in my eyes and asked, “Were you scared?”

“Yes,” I answered. “To death.”

What I did not say was that I was still scared. Scared I’d never survive toddlerhood, scared I could never be enough, and maybe more than anything, scared I would never be able to fill the growing void that feeling like “just a mother” left inside me.

Once the robins cracked something open in me, I began to take the boys “drive-by nature gazing trips” along the driving route of a nearby wildlife preserve. A few visits quickly became several trips a week and frantic dashes to catch the “golden hour” before sunset. Those days out there, chasing bird glimpses along the dusty roads, saved me — from boredom, from loneliness, from feeling stuck, from the debilitating heaviness of creative stagnation, and ultimately from forgetting who I was. Boys tucked in carseats, the natural world passing us by, I began to feel like myself, most certainly a new self, but my own true self nonetheless.

….

Read more in the book: Elevate the Everyday: A Photographic Guide to Picturing Motherhood,

dirty windshield

K and I had big plans to clean the windshield before heading out there last night, but the milkshake comas got in the way of the remembering. my large vanilla and her large pistachio, and no one’s synapses were connecting anymore. but the golden hour was lovely nonetheless, despite the dirty window. and maybe even because of it …